a Christmas gift I didn't want

This past Friday was a wreck of a day. I tripped a breaker in the apartment, but I thought it was a larger issue and snapped at my guy, and at the apartment people. I got yelled at by one of the shareholders. I was worrying over something important I needed to discuss with my guy, but couldn't quite decide on the best way to bring it up. All in all, just a craptacular kind of a day.

So when I turned to a girl friend for some empathy and advice, I wasn't expecting it to turn into a giant misunderstanding and a fight. But it did, and it kept getting worse until I finally had to tell her I was just going to stop responding to her messages because I was apparently just saying the wrong things. I guess that was the wrong thing to say too, since the gist of her last message was that in her eyes, our friendship has gone full circle and we're once again enemies, and now I'm free to talk all the shit about her I want.

I'm not really sure what exactly happened, to be honest. I know it was a misunderstanding, thats pretty damn obvious. I tried to apologize twice, but I don't get why she's not accepting or really believing the apology. Its almost as if she's never truly believed I was her friend, despite all the times I've been there for her. Its a slap in the face, and I have absolutely no idea what to do or even say. Whats the point of another apology, when she won't accept the first 2? What would I even be apologizing for at this point? Things she's imagining? I don't believe I wronged her as badly as she says I did, because she interpreted what I wrote to be something I did not intend it to be.

I guess what makes me feel the worst is that I'm feeling so unmotivated to actually DO something about fixing this friendship, like maybe I was looking for a way out all along. I love this girl, but she can be a hard girl to get along with. Moody, overly sensitive, demanding, plus she fights with her man in front of me all the time and its so uncomfortable. All the same, she's fucking hilarious, a good listener, generous, and thoughtful. Its not the first time I've lost a friend, but its definitely the first time I've lost one right before Christmas.

Thanks Santa, I appreciate it.

Dear God its EVERYWHERE!!!!!

So I finally said "Self, you need to cut the bullshit and quit drinking coffee again. Its got caffeine and you put a TON of sugar in it, so just stop it already. I know its cold outside and you are a sucker for hot drinks when its like that, but I think its best if you switch to hot tea mmkay?" And I grumbled a lot and was sad about giving up that delicious silkiness that is coffee creamer, but I know my rational self is right so on Monday I made a nice steaming cup of Earl Gray instead. Did the same thing today, but the bad news is that I used the last Keurig thingy so I pulled out a different kind of tea for tomorrow, Green Tea.

Right as I was leaving the breakroom something on the package caught my eye and I leaned in for a closer look.

THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS CAFFEINE.

Fucking perfect.

*rolls eyes, continues drinking tea*

ARRGGHHH!!!! THE SCHEDULES!!!!

Dammit all to hell! Ever since I heard I can't take my BC and Topamax at the same time its been one heck of a transition trying to figure out a new schedule for spreading out the time between taking the two pills *angry face*

The pharmacist said put like 6-7 hours between the pills, but fuck thats a lot of time to forget to take the next pill ya know? So lets see, I take the first Topamax around 8:30am, which means I should take my BC around 2pm or 3pm but by then I'm usually busy with work so I forget (of course). I get home around 5pm, and it will hit me around 6pm that I forgot to take the BC so I'll be like "OH FUCK!", and run to my pill cabinet but I go to bed at 10pm every night which means that I'm only putting about 4 hours between the BC and the last two Topamax pills, which causes me to worry about how effective the BC is going to be. OY, talk about some stress. Here's a nice photo illustration with some sex appeal....cuz you know I'm sexy :p

ugh, the holiday financial crush is upon me..fa la la la la

'Tis the season again...to be flat broke and hyperventilating about how the hell I'm going to buy gifts for all my loved ones that don't come from the half-price bin from the Dollar Tree store. *GROAN*

With all the medical bills I had to deal with this year (the goddamn Imitrex was $200 a pack every time!!), I'm flat broke. FLAT BROKE. It's beyond depressing and incredibly stressing, so much so that I've worked myself into 2 migraines this week. Oy, calm down girl.

Honestly, the presents will work themselves out. The biggest reason I'm stressing is because after this month is over, I have to go back to paying for all my meds again. See, I'm on an Health Savings Account insurance plan because it had a really low deductible and once that deductible was met, the insurance would pay for everything 100%. Well, thanks to my stint in the hospital earlier this year, I've been getting prescriptions and doctor's visits free since beginning of October. Its been a TREMENDOUS help in getting my credit card debt paid down, although I still have a ways to go (the reason it was so high in the first place is because the prescriptions I need are so damn expensive). But that deductible is only good for the calendar year, so as soon as the clock turns 12am on Jan 1, 2009, the insurance resets itself and I'm shit out of luck until I spend another $3K of my own money again.

Do you know how much I spend per month on prescriptions? About $450. I get home from the pharmacy and I cry because its so frustrating to keep piling on the debt on my credit card. There are no generic brands for my 'scrips (figures) and I can't not take them because then I'm hurting and unable to function normally. I get reimbursed for the money I spend, but it takes about a month to get the money and if you make one mistake on the paperwork it can take even longer.

Its just....shitty, man