Its Friday. Its 10:34am. I've got yet ANOTHER migraine.
And I'm thisclose to completely losing my shit at work.
I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm hurting, I'm tired, I'm depressed, I just want to go home and be alone.
I don't get it! I don't get what I'm doing so wrong this week. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing of course, and yes I'm making little mistakes here and there but shit! Were they enough to warrant a migraine pretty much every other day? Should I have even gone to the gym yesterday? I don't even know anymore. I thought it was a good idea since I figured yesterday's migraine was due to not doing any cardio yet this week, so as soon as the pain was gone I booked over there and did a super quick workout.
I feel like a failure.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Bad Habits Die Hard
One of the recommendations my neurologist made to me was to keep a migraine journal so that I would know when and how they happened, and thus, would be able to see patterns forming in their existence. Well, keeping the actual journal proved rather difficult as writing about it DURING a migraine is quite impossible and writing about it AFTER is hard to remember, so instead I just keep a tally sheet on a Post-It note at work. Since my last appt. on October 8, I've had 10 of them. 10 in 20 days might seem like a lot since its basically one every other day, but I really only get them Sat thru Mon.
Why?
Because bad habits die hard, thats why. All throughout the week I'm a good girl. I don't stay up late, I take my pills on time, I don't eat much dairy, I don't hang out with MJ, I make sure to drink my 80oz's of water, etc. etc. blah blah blickety blah. Friday comes around and all that pretty much takes a vacation, especially this past weekend. Oy, I even had a hot fudge sundae! It could have been worse, I only had a single and not a double or a triple (good god, the horror!!). But I also ate pizza and Cheetos, stayed up til 2am on Saturday night, kicked it with MJ pretty much all day on Saturday, kept forgetting to take my pills at the regular times, and kept leaving my water at home when we'd go places.
So what was the outcome? A migraine on Saturday, two on Sunday, and one on Monday; 4 in three days. Super. Way to go. Once I asked my cousin why she thinks I do these things to myself, and she said "We're all gluttons for punishment". Maybe there's some truth in that, because I definitely know the consequences of my actions. But at the same time, if I could draw a picture of how I feel about my migraines, it would be me in a corner shrinking away from some hideous beast of a monster. I think maybe acting "bad" is a way for me to feel normal, if that makes sense. Following all these stupid rules for my health makes me feel like a freak sometimes; I mean, you should see the way people (even my own friends) look at me when I have to turn down drinks in favor of a glass of water at a bar. Or hear the jokes made when I bring out the ol' pill container at a restaurant (Hey, got anything good in there for me? Hahaha!). I'll laugh it off on the outside, but its honestly humiliating on the inside. Especially since nobody, not one single person, can ever just let me take the pills without asking a barage of questions. What does that one do? And that one? How about that one? Why's that one so big? Are you gonna take that one too? Why do you take them with food? Why can't you just swallow them with water?
Oh just shut up about it already! Sheesh!
I guess the point is that when I get the chance to be "bad", I'll take it even knowing that more than likely I'm going to feel like crap the next day. Certainly, there are steps I can take to avoid a migraine but in the heat of the moment, I don't want to THINK. I just want to DO. My neurologist, luckily, is sympathetic and says that hopefully by next year the Topamax will be working the way it should be and I should be able to "kick up my heels" a bit more (he's old and cute and talks just like that lol). I kinda hope he's right, but moreso I hope that I mature a bit more this year and realize that I shouldn't be so stupid about my health.
We'll see.
Why?
Because bad habits die hard, thats why. All throughout the week I'm a good girl. I don't stay up late, I take my pills on time, I don't eat much dairy, I don't hang out with MJ, I make sure to drink my 80oz's of water, etc. etc. blah blah blickety blah. Friday comes around and all that pretty much takes a vacation, especially this past weekend. Oy, I even had a hot fudge sundae! It could have been worse, I only had a single and not a double or a triple (good god, the horror!!). But I also ate pizza and Cheetos, stayed up til 2am on Saturday night, kicked it with MJ pretty much all day on Saturday, kept forgetting to take my pills at the regular times, and kept leaving my water at home when we'd go places.
So what was the outcome? A migraine on Saturday, two on Sunday, and one on Monday; 4 in three days. Super. Way to go. Once I asked my cousin why she thinks I do these things to myself, and she said "We're all gluttons for punishment". Maybe there's some truth in that, because I definitely know the consequences of my actions. But at the same time, if I could draw a picture of how I feel about my migraines, it would be me in a corner shrinking away from some hideous beast of a monster. I think maybe acting "bad" is a way for me to feel normal, if that makes sense. Following all these stupid rules for my health makes me feel like a freak sometimes; I mean, you should see the way people (even my own friends) look at me when I have to turn down drinks in favor of a glass of water at a bar. Or hear the jokes made when I bring out the ol' pill container at a restaurant (Hey, got anything good in there for me? Hahaha!). I'll laugh it off on the outside, but its honestly humiliating on the inside. Especially since nobody, not one single person, can ever just let me take the pills without asking a barage of questions. What does that one do? And that one? How about that one? Why's that one so big? Are you gonna take that one too? Why do you take them with food? Why can't you just swallow them with water?
Oh just shut up about it already! Sheesh!
I guess the point is that when I get the chance to be "bad", I'll take it even knowing that more than likely I'm going to feel like crap the next day. Certainly, there are steps I can take to avoid a migraine but in the heat of the moment, I don't want to THINK. I just want to DO. My neurologist, luckily, is sympathetic and says that hopefully by next year the Topamax will be working the way it should be and I should be able to "kick up my heels" a bit more (he's old and cute and talks just like that lol). I kinda hope he's right, but moreso I hope that I mature a bit more this year and realize that I shouldn't be so stupid about my health.
We'll see.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Exorcise
Welp, its Day 3 of no migraine but its also Day 3 of trying to get rid of this damn cold! *angry face* My boyfriend has been pestering me to take Dayquil but I so don't get the point; all that shit does is mask the symptoms, not make you better. Hello McFly?! Besides, I think I'm doing just fine taking my herbs from my acupuncturist, thank you very much. They might not work as fast as the antibiotics from the doctor, but they're not as harsh on my body either. At least today I can breathe through both nostrils semi-normally lol.
I was supposed to go home after work yesterday and do some quick ab and leg workouts, but I managed to talk myself out of them. Again. *sigh* I know its good for me, I know it will help keep the migraines away, but dammit all to hell I fucking hate exercising!!!! I wonder if there's a yet undiscovered, specific kind of ADD that prohibits people from settling down long enough to get a good workout in. I mean, seriously, as soon as I start one I'm thinking "Hmm, I wonder whats on TV right now?" or "Boy, I sure could use a nap!" Ahh, sleeping! How I love thee! If only extra time spent curled up in bed could be a replacement for time in the gym :(
But I digress.
I read in a lot of fitness articles that the way to stay interested in working out is to vary the workout routine. Considering that going to the gym on the regular is akin to Chinese water torture for me, maybe I should really look into Pilates or into getting that damn Speedo and goggles so I can do laps in the pool. I dunno. What really seems to be lacking is the motivation. I don't get why "it helps you not have migraines" isn't enough of a reason to get off my ass.
I was supposed to go home after work yesterday and do some quick ab and leg workouts, but I managed to talk myself out of them. Again. *sigh* I know its good for me, I know it will help keep the migraines away, but dammit all to hell I fucking hate exercising!!!! I wonder if there's a yet undiscovered, specific kind of ADD that prohibits people from settling down long enough to get a good workout in. I mean, seriously, as soon as I start one I'm thinking "Hmm, I wonder whats on TV right now?" or "Boy, I sure could use a nap!" Ahh, sleeping! How I love thee! If only extra time spent curled up in bed could be a replacement for time in the gym :(
But I digress.
I read in a lot of fitness articles that the way to stay interested in working out is to vary the workout routine. Considering that going to the gym on the regular is akin to Chinese water torture for me, maybe I should really look into Pilates or into getting that damn Speedo and goggles so I can do laps in the pool. I dunno. What really seems to be lacking is the motivation. I don't get why "it helps you not have migraines" isn't enough of a reason to get off my ass.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Please God, make the phone stop ringing
I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be an interesting person in order to have a blog. I've been called weird a lot in my life, so maybe thats enough of a qualification.
So who am I? I'm Alexis, I'm 25, I'm a grad student studying counseling, I'm a receptioninst at an ultra-conservative right-wing law firm (yea, i know, roll those eyes as hard as you can), and I'm a migraine sufferer. Its pretty much the reason why I'm starting this thing; I think my boyfriend is getting a little tired of me breaking down crying so often (sorry babe!) and being so cranky about all these new rules I'm having to adjust to in order to control the triggers. So here I am. I decided last night that it might be a better idea to write about it rather than cry about it.
So when did all this start? Well, I've had migraines for about as long as I can remember. Mind you, they didn't happen this frequently or this severely. I'd say it was only about 2 or 3 years ago that things really started to slide downhill, and I started noticing that I was going through bottles of Excedrin like it was nothing. Two years ago I finally broke down at work and gave in to the idea of seeing a doctor for the problem. That led to seeing a neurologist and an acupuncturist on the regular. Still, the migraines happened pretty often and not even two months ago I wound up in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4 days getting some DHE treatment that was supposed to re-wire my brain, apparently to teach it to not be so damn sensitive to pain or something. After all that the neurologist added on another prescription to my already staggering daily amount of pills (seriously people, I probably take like 20 pills per day that either combat the migraines themselves or combat the side effects of the pills which combat the migraines; its fucking ridiculous). These pills changed my taste buds, so now my beloved sodas taste like shit. And now, I dream about them. Terrific.
Taking my health seriously for once means making lots of changes, most of which I'm not too keen on. I have to go to sleep every single weekday at 10pm without fail. I simply cannot function properly on less than 9 hours of sleep. I have force myself to exercise at LEAST twice a week, and I fucking hate sweating (unless I'm having sex of course). I had to give up all caffeine. I've had to drastically cut back on dairy products (this one might confuse you, but I'm lactose intolerant so I wasn't doing myself any favors anyways by continuing to eat cheese and ice cream). I've had to watch my sugar intake like a hawk. I HAVE to drink 80oz of water every single day; any less is a disaster waiting to happen. I have to take all of my pills like clockwork. I had to admit to myself that pot was a trigger, and thus had to cut back on my habit (that was a real shitty conversation with my boyfriend; I don't think I looked him in the eye once during the whole thing. Its funny how admitting problems is viewed as shameful).
Probably the worst part of all this has been dealing with people who don't understand. There are plenty of people in this world who suffer from migraines just like I do, but theres also a lot that don't and never will. Those people think that a migraine is just "a bad headache". At the job before this one, I had a boss that was of that opinion. Every single time I had to leave early because my head hurt so bad I could barely look people in the face, he would make some shitty comment to me as I walked out the door. At my current job, a coworker friend told me that up until I went into the hospital many of my other coworkers thought I was faking everything to get attention and special privileges. Some of my own family members think I'm a faker, that all I need to do is suck it up and deal, that they get bad headaches too but thats no reason to act the way I do. Its bullshit, and I marvel at their utter inability to empathize with somebody in pain and in need.
So anyways, here I am at work on a Wed morning, making my first blog post ever *trumpet blare* Yesterday was the 4th day in a row that I had a migraine, but I figured out it was because I didn't exercise but one day all last week. As soon as I felt better yesterday I hightailed it to the gym and did some cardio and weight machines, so I'm just hoping for the best today. So far I'm down 20oz of water and have 60oz more to go. I had a little bit of dairy yesterday so that means absolutely none today. Fuck, its like a never ending checklist. I'll let you know how it goes.
Peace.
So who am I? I'm Alexis, I'm 25, I'm a grad student studying counseling, I'm a receptioninst at an ultra-conservative right-wing law firm (yea, i know, roll those eyes as hard as you can), and I'm a migraine sufferer. Its pretty much the reason why I'm starting this thing; I think my boyfriend is getting a little tired of me breaking down crying so often (sorry babe!) and being so cranky about all these new rules I'm having to adjust to in order to control the triggers. So here I am. I decided last night that it might be a better idea to write about it rather than cry about it.
So when did all this start? Well, I've had migraines for about as long as I can remember. Mind you, they didn't happen this frequently or this severely. I'd say it was only about 2 or 3 years ago that things really started to slide downhill, and I started noticing that I was going through bottles of Excedrin like it was nothing. Two years ago I finally broke down at work and gave in to the idea of seeing a doctor for the problem. That led to seeing a neurologist and an acupuncturist on the regular. Still, the migraines happened pretty often and not even two months ago I wound up in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4 days getting some DHE treatment that was supposed to re-wire my brain, apparently to teach it to not be so damn sensitive to pain or something. After all that the neurologist added on another prescription to my already staggering daily amount of pills (seriously people, I probably take like 20 pills per day that either combat the migraines themselves or combat the side effects of the pills which combat the migraines; its fucking ridiculous). These pills changed my taste buds, so now my beloved sodas taste like shit. And now, I dream about them. Terrific.
Taking my health seriously for once means making lots of changes, most of which I'm not too keen on. I have to go to sleep every single weekday at 10pm without fail. I simply cannot function properly on less than 9 hours of sleep. I have force myself to exercise at LEAST twice a week, and I fucking hate sweating (unless I'm having sex of course). I had to give up all caffeine. I've had to drastically cut back on dairy products (this one might confuse you, but I'm lactose intolerant so I wasn't doing myself any favors anyways by continuing to eat cheese and ice cream). I've had to watch my sugar intake like a hawk. I HAVE to drink 80oz of water every single day; any less is a disaster waiting to happen. I have to take all of my pills like clockwork. I had to admit to myself that pot was a trigger, and thus had to cut back on my habit (that was a real shitty conversation with my boyfriend; I don't think I looked him in the eye once during the whole thing. Its funny how admitting problems is viewed as shameful).
Probably the worst part of all this has been dealing with people who don't understand. There are plenty of people in this world who suffer from migraines just like I do, but theres also a lot that don't and never will. Those people think that a migraine is just "a bad headache". At the job before this one, I had a boss that was of that opinion. Every single time I had to leave early because my head hurt so bad I could barely look people in the face, he would make some shitty comment to me as I walked out the door. At my current job, a coworker friend told me that up until I went into the hospital many of my other coworkers thought I was faking everything to get attention and special privileges. Some of my own family members think I'm a faker, that all I need to do is suck it up and deal, that they get bad headaches too but thats no reason to act the way I do. Its bullshit, and I marvel at their utter inability to empathize with somebody in pain and in need.
So anyways, here I am at work on a Wed morning, making my first blog post ever *trumpet blare* Yesterday was the 4th day in a row that I had a migraine, but I figured out it was because I didn't exercise but one day all last week. As soon as I felt better yesterday I hightailed it to the gym and did some cardio and weight machines, so I'm just hoping for the best today. So far I'm down 20oz of water and have 60oz more to go. I had a little bit of dairy yesterday so that means absolutely none today. Fuck, its like a never ending checklist. I'll let you know how it goes.
Peace.
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