the highs and the lows

so.....yeah. i forgot i had a blog. oops lol :)

Its March now and thankfully, I am employed again. WHEEEEE!!! For cereal, because I even though I was only unemployed for about a month, it was a pretty terrible month. The company I work for now totally rocks; mo' money, cooler cowokers, cooler boss, better benefits, nicer office, tastier food at office parties, I mean shit I could go on and on. The firm I was at before wasn't a complete shit-hole or anything, but I wasn't happy there at all and that made it really hard to find the good in anything. It was kind of nice in a petty vengeance kind of way to find out that this legal assistant who had been pretty rude to me was asked to pull double duty and fill my position after I was laid off, and that she was PISSED about it. Hehe.

February was a pretty shitty month for migraines, just like January. Being unemployed really got me off my sleep schedule, and this new job is a bit further away than my last one so I when I started working again I had to make a different one. I still sleep 9 hours every night but now I have to go to sleep a half hour earlier than I had been. This sucks. The bright spot of February was that I discovered that Dr. Pepper no longer tastes like shit. Sweet! The down side to this, of course, is that now I'm drinking them like they're going out of style and it can be hard to remember to drink all my water for the day. Fuck! Oh well, its nice to have soda again :)

Probably the best thing thats happened since I last posted is that my doc let me quit taking that damn Verapamil. *pumps fist in the air* I thought it was so pointless to take that AND Topamax, not to mention all that fucking constipation was a nightmare. Ugh! No more!

*does a jig*

confidence lacking

so here i am, end of week 3 of my unemployment and everybody but me seems to think that good things are just around the corner.

i did get an offer, a really good one; great pay, great benefits, great location, no weekend hours. all that stands between me and sweet sweet employment is passing a drug test. i did my best and stopped smoking, but it takes a while you know for MJ to get out of your system and the worrying and waiting to hear the results is killing me. i told my mom i'm sure i'll have a few new gray hairs by this next tuesday. i just pray that everything i did to clean out was enough. i want this job so desperately i can taste it. its not a good taste, at least not yet. and if i fail the test, its going to be bitter.

at least chris said he'd still love me even if i failed. i'm just not sure if i'll still love me.

a new year starts off pretty damn queer

Happy New Year to everybody! I hope your party was as rocking as ours was :) At least this time I had a damn good reason to get as blitzed as I did (which, suprisingly, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to get lol). See, I got laid off on NYE; financial cutbacks and I'm "too smart for the position anyways, and we both knew this was never a career choice for you Alexis, but we're still sorry to see you go" and you know how it goes. I got a severance check and to leave early, but yeah, it sucked big time. I've never been laid off before, and I certainly wasn't expecting that to happen so I felt like one big loser for a few hours that day. Its weird though, because none of it felt REAL until yesterday morning. I felt okay all weekend, but in the back of my mind I was dreading Monday because I knew I wouldn't have work to wake up for. My guy has Mondays off from his job so I was kinda nervous about staying home wtih him, mostly because its not like I was having a day off from work. I was unemployed now. He's been really great about the whole thing but I know I really need to bust my hump to find another job soon. There's only so much savings to burn through, you know?

My migraine's have been happening pretty damn frequently again as of late, and part of it is my fault but I know a lot of it has to do with stressors from outside influences. The holidays plus my recent layoff have really messed with my routine so I'm off my pill schedule, as well as not working out at all. I should have gone to the gym today, but its even harder to motivate myself in the winter! Ugh, soo cold and all I want to do is wrap up in layers and snuggle in bed and read a good book! I guess maybe for now I could compromise with myself and work out at home, but I'd also need to adjust my diet and smoking. Another issue is that I'm not drinking the right amount of water every day. I guess now that I'm not working and walking around all day I'm not as thirsty, but I need to start forcing myself again to drink the right amount. Sleep is another problem; I'm not getting enough hours every night, nor am I adhereing to a regular schedule. Stress over money is a HUGE one, one which causes knots in my neck and shoulders that can result in tension migraines. Bleh. Juggling man. Drop one ball and you drop them all.

a Christmas gift I didn't want

This past Friday was a wreck of a day. I tripped a breaker in the apartment, but I thought it was a larger issue and snapped at my guy, and at the apartment people. I got yelled at by one of the shareholders. I was worrying over something important I needed to discuss with my guy, but couldn't quite decide on the best way to bring it up. All in all, just a craptacular kind of a day.

So when I turned to a girl friend for some empathy and advice, I wasn't expecting it to turn into a giant misunderstanding and a fight. But it did, and it kept getting worse until I finally had to tell her I was just going to stop responding to her messages because I was apparently just saying the wrong things. I guess that was the wrong thing to say too, since the gist of her last message was that in her eyes, our friendship has gone full circle and we're once again enemies, and now I'm free to talk all the shit about her I want.

I'm not really sure what exactly happened, to be honest. I know it was a misunderstanding, thats pretty damn obvious. I tried to apologize twice, but I don't get why she's not accepting or really believing the apology. Its almost as if she's never truly believed I was her friend, despite all the times I've been there for her. Its a slap in the face, and I have absolutely no idea what to do or even say. Whats the point of another apology, when she won't accept the first 2? What would I even be apologizing for at this point? Things she's imagining? I don't believe I wronged her as badly as she says I did, because she interpreted what I wrote to be something I did not intend it to be.

I guess what makes me feel the worst is that I'm feeling so unmotivated to actually DO something about fixing this friendship, like maybe I was looking for a way out all along. I love this girl, but she can be a hard girl to get along with. Moody, overly sensitive, demanding, plus she fights with her man in front of me all the time and its so uncomfortable. All the same, she's fucking hilarious, a good listener, generous, and thoughtful. Its not the first time I've lost a friend, but its definitely the first time I've lost one right before Christmas.

Thanks Santa, I appreciate it.

Dear God its EVERYWHERE!!!!!

So I finally said "Self, you need to cut the bullshit and quit drinking coffee again. Its got caffeine and you put a TON of sugar in it, so just stop it already. I know its cold outside and you are a sucker for hot drinks when its like that, but I think its best if you switch to hot tea mmkay?" And I grumbled a lot and was sad about giving up that delicious silkiness that is coffee creamer, but I know my rational self is right so on Monday I made a nice steaming cup of Earl Gray instead. Did the same thing today, but the bad news is that I used the last Keurig thingy so I pulled out a different kind of tea for tomorrow, Green Tea.

Right as I was leaving the breakroom something on the package caught my eye and I leaned in for a closer look.

THIS PRODUCT CONTAINS CAFFEINE.

Fucking perfect.

*rolls eyes, continues drinking tea*

ARRGGHHH!!!! THE SCHEDULES!!!!

Dammit all to hell! Ever since I heard I can't take my BC and Topamax at the same time its been one heck of a transition trying to figure out a new schedule for spreading out the time between taking the two pills *angry face*

The pharmacist said put like 6-7 hours between the pills, but fuck thats a lot of time to forget to take the next pill ya know? So lets see, I take the first Topamax around 8:30am, which means I should take my BC around 2pm or 3pm but by then I'm usually busy with work so I forget (of course). I get home around 5pm, and it will hit me around 6pm that I forgot to take the BC so I'll be like "OH FUCK!", and run to my pill cabinet but I go to bed at 10pm every night which means that I'm only putting about 4 hours between the BC and the last two Topamax pills, which causes me to worry about how effective the BC is going to be. OY, talk about some stress. Here's a nice photo illustration with some sex appeal....cuz you know I'm sexy :p

ugh, the holiday financial crush is upon me..fa la la la la

'Tis the season again...to be flat broke and hyperventilating about how the hell I'm going to buy gifts for all my loved ones that don't come from the half-price bin from the Dollar Tree store. *GROAN*

With all the medical bills I had to deal with this year (the goddamn Imitrex was $200 a pack every time!!), I'm flat broke. FLAT BROKE. It's beyond depressing and incredibly stressing, so much so that I've worked myself into 2 migraines this week. Oy, calm down girl.

Honestly, the presents will work themselves out. The biggest reason I'm stressing is because after this month is over, I have to go back to paying for all my meds again. See, I'm on an Health Savings Account insurance plan because it had a really low deductible and once that deductible was met, the insurance would pay for everything 100%. Well, thanks to my stint in the hospital earlier this year, I've been getting prescriptions and doctor's visits free since beginning of October. Its been a TREMENDOUS help in getting my credit card debt paid down, although I still have a ways to go (the reason it was so high in the first place is because the prescriptions I need are so damn expensive). But that deductible is only good for the calendar year, so as soon as the clock turns 12am on Jan 1, 2009, the insurance resets itself and I'm shit out of luck until I spend another $3K of my own money again.

Do you know how much I spend per month on prescriptions? About $450. I get home from the pharmacy and I cry because its so frustrating to keep piling on the debt on my credit card. There are no generic brands for my 'scrips (figures) and I can't not take them because then I'm hurting and unable to function normally. I get reimbursed for the money I spend, but it takes about a month to get the money and if you make one mistake on the paperwork it can take even longer.

Its just....shitty, man