Bad Habits Die Hard

One of the recommendations my neurologist made to me was to keep a migraine journal so that I would know when and how they happened, and thus, would be able to see patterns forming in their existence. Well, keeping the actual journal proved rather difficult as writing about it DURING a migraine is quite impossible and writing about it AFTER is hard to remember, so instead I just keep a tally sheet on a Post-It note at work. Since my last appt. on October 8, I've had 10 of them. 10 in 20 days might seem like a lot since its basically one every other day, but I really only get them Sat thru Mon.

Why?

Because bad habits die hard, thats why. All throughout the week I'm a good girl. I don't stay up late, I take my pills on time, I don't eat much dairy, I don't hang out with MJ, I make sure to drink my 80oz's of water, etc. etc. blah blah blickety blah. Friday comes around and all that pretty much takes a vacation, especially this past weekend. Oy, I even had a hot fudge sundae! It could have been worse, I only had a single and not a double or a triple (good god, the horror!!). But I also ate pizza and Cheetos, stayed up til 2am on Saturday night, kicked it with MJ pretty much all day on Saturday, kept forgetting to take my pills at the regular times, and kept leaving my water at home when we'd go places.

So what was the outcome? A migraine on Saturday, two on Sunday, and one on Monday; 4 in three days. Super. Way to go. Once I asked my cousin why she thinks I do these things to myself, and she said "We're all gluttons for punishment". Maybe there's some truth in that, because I definitely know the consequences of my actions. But at the same time, if I could draw a picture of how I feel about my migraines, it would be me in a corner shrinking away from some hideous beast of a monster. I think maybe acting "bad" is a way for me to feel normal, if that makes sense. Following all these stupid rules for my health makes me feel like a freak sometimes; I mean, you should see the way people (even my own friends) look at me when I have to turn down drinks in favor of a glass of water at a bar. Or hear the jokes made when I bring out the ol' pill container at a restaurant (Hey, got anything good in there for me? Hahaha!). I'll laugh it off on the outside, but its honestly humiliating on the inside. Especially since nobody, not one single person, can ever just let me take the pills without asking a barage of questions. What does that one do? And that one? How about that one? Why's that one so big? Are you gonna take that one too? Why do you take them with food? Why can't you just swallow them with water?

Oh just shut up about it already! Sheesh!

I guess the point is that when I get the chance to be "bad", I'll take it even knowing that more than likely I'm going to feel like crap the next day. Certainly, there are steps I can take to avoid a migraine but in the heat of the moment, I don't want to THINK. I just want to DO. My neurologist, luckily, is sympathetic and says that hopefully by next year the Topamax will be working the way it should be and I should be able to "kick up my heels" a bit more (he's old and cute and talks just like that lol). I kinda hope he's right, but moreso I hope that I mature a bit more this year and realize that I shouldn't be so stupid about my health.

We'll see.